So, you’ve tried being liked. Maybe you dabbled in “people-pleasing” or even dipped your toes in “basic human decency.” But, let’s be honest—it’s exhausting, right? Smiling all the time, agreeing with people, pretending you care about their cat’s Instagram account? Yawn.

Well, my friend, welcome to the dark side. This is a guide for those who are tired of being too well-liked. If you’ve ever thought, “Man, I wish people would avoid me like they avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving,” you’re in the right place. Here’s how to become the kind of person that makes people roll their eyes so hard they might just see their own brain.

1. Always One-Up Everyone’s Stories

Picture this: Someone tells a heartwarming story about saving a kitten from a tree. You wait for the applause, let them bask in the glow for a second, and then—BAM! Hit them with, “Oh, that’s cute, but one time I rescued two kittens… from a burning building… while blindfolded.”

It’s crucial that you never let anyone enjoy the spotlight for more than five seconds. If people think they have accomplished something amazing, crush their spirits by reminding them how much better you are. Bonus points if you can top their stories with something that is clearly a lie.

One-Upper Special: “Oh, you ran a marathon? Cool. I ran an ultramarathon… on a volcano. In flip-flops.”

2. Be Super Passive-Aggressive

Want to irritate people but keep plausible deniability? The passive-aggressive method is for you. It’s the verbal equivalent of flicking someone on the nose and saying, “Who, me?” You get the satisfaction of being obnoxious, while others just feel vaguely insulted and confused.

Next time someone asks you for help, say, “Oh, I would, but you’re so much better at doing that yourself.” Or how about the classic: “Wow, you’re so brave for wearing that!” Nobody knows if you’re complimenting them or quietly roasting them over a fire of resentment.

Classic Move: “I love how you just don’t care what other people think. Good for you!”

3. Send Unhinged Group Texts at 3 AM

What better way to ruin everyone’s night than with a string of cryptic, bizarre texts when they’re sound asleep? Start with “U up?” followed by, “I’ve been thinking a lot about time travel lately” and cap it off with an unsolicited photo of your sock collection.

Nothing says “I’m completely unhinged” like a random deep philosophical question right when people are dreaming about mundane things like brunch and dogs.

Extra Chaos Tip: Don’t forget the follow-up text at 6 AM that says, “Oops, sorry, wrong group chat!” You know it wasn’t.

4. Become the Over-Sharer

Do people love deep, personal conversations? Yes. Do they want to hear about your bowel movements during their morning coffee? Probably not. But guess what? You’re going to tell them anyway!

Make sure that no topic is too personal, too inappropriate, or too irrelevant for your daily check-ins with your friends and coworkers. Remember, there’s nothing like hearing someone discuss their weird foot fungus while standing in line at Starbucks.

Perfect Over-Share: “I can’t believe I have to go to another wedding this weekend. My rash still hasn’t cleared up from the last one.”

5. Act Like You Know Everything (Even When You Obviously Don’t)

One of the most time-honored traditions of being hated is dispensing unsolicited advice and making stuff up as you go. Just sprinkle a little false confidence on any subject—space travel, cryptocurrency, how to properly season a cast-iron skillet. You don’t need facts! Just go with your gut and interrupt everyone’s Google searches with your totally incorrect opinions.

Know-It-All Special: “Oh, that’s not how you pronounce ‘quinoa.’ It’s actually ‘kwa-noy,’ but most people don’t know that.”

6. Dominate the AUX Cord at Parties

The best way to kill the vibe at any party is to demand control of the music and then subject everyone to your niche tastes. This isn’t the time to play crowd-pleasers—oh no. It’s time for your playlist, which consists of Gregorian chants, whale sounds, and that one underground DJ whose music is just traffic noises layered over someone whispering about kombucha.

Extra points if you follow up every skipped song with a disappointed, “You just don’t get it.”

Pro Move: “You probably haven’t heard this before—it’s, like, super obscure. It’s called ‘static.’”

7. Leave Long, Incomprehensible Voicemails

In the age of texts, no one really expects a voicemail. That’s why it’s the perfect opportunity to make people regret knowing you. Leave long, rambling messages that start off making sense and then quickly devolve into random musings about what the clouds look like today.

Masterclass Move: End with “Call me back ASAP—it’s urgent,” and then refuse to answer when they do.

8. Pretend You Don’t Understand Basic Social Cues

You know that awkward silence that hangs in the air when you’ve been talking too much? Ignore it. Keep going. Steamroll your way through conversations without letting anyone else get a word in. Laugh at your own jokes—loudly. When people try to wrap up a chat, just keep talking. It’s like the social equivalent of finding the snooze button on life.

Social Cluelessness 101: When someone says, “Well, I should be going now,” respond with, “Oh, let’s talk about that trip I took in 2009 real quick!”

Conclusion: Hate Is Just Love in Reverse, Right?

Congratulations! If you follow these tips, you’ll quickly go from mildly annoying to “can’t be in the same room with this person” in record time. It’s a surefire way to make family gatherings, work meetings, and even casual friendships an absolute minefield of social disasters.

But remember, this is all just for fun—unless you really want to make everyone hate you. In that case, feel free to embrace these tips wholeheartedly, and I’ll see you at the top of the most avoided guest list!