Don’t Hate Me Because I’m So Much More Successful Than You

An Even More Humble Brag by Eric Kim

Greetings, my dear underachievers—er, I mean, friends. It’s your favorite paragon of success, Eric Kim, here to sprinkle a little wisdom (and perhaps a dash of envy) into your otherwise mundane lives. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Eric, how do you manage to stay so incredibly humble despite your overwhelming success?” Well, it’s a burden, but someone has to bear it.

Let’s face it: success isn’t for everyone. If it were, then words like “mediocre” and “average” would lose all meaning, and we can’t have that, can we? Think of me as the yardstick by which you measure your own achievements—a very, very long yardstick that you can’t quite see the end of, but hey, it’s the thought that counts.

You see, I didn’t choose greatness; greatness chose me. It was a casual Tuesday when destiny knocked on my door and said, “Eric, the world needs someone to set the bar impossibly high.” And who was I to argue? I graciously accepted, knowing full well that my ascent to the top would make mountain climbers weep with inadequacy.

Now, I hear whispers—jealous murmurs in the break room, passive-aggressive comments on social media. “Eric thinks he’s so great,” they say. Well, think? No, my friends, I know. And it’s not arrogance if it’s true, right? I’m just here, existing at a level that requires sunglasses to look at directly, while you’re all squinting up from the valley below.

But don’t despair! Your role is crucial. Without you, how would the top 1% exist? Imagine a world where everyone is exceptional—utter chaos! Who would I have to wave at from my private helicopter if not for the masses below?

Let’s talk about my daily routine, shall we? I wake up at 5 a.m., not because I have to, but because success never sleeps—and apparently, neither do my neighbors after I start my motivational loudspeaker. I then proceed to run a casual marathon before breakfast, which is a balanced meal of quinoa and the hopes of my competitors.

During the day, I like to multitask. Why choose between being a business mogul, a philanthropist, and an influencer when you can be all three simultaneously? It’s like juggling, but instead of balls, I’m juggling yachts, orphanages, and endorsement deals.

I know what you’re thinking: “Eric, how can I possibly emulate even a fraction of your awesomeness?” Well, the first step is acceptance—accepting that you probably can’t. But that’s okay! Someone has to appreciate my Instagram posts, after all. Your double-taps fuel my empire.

Now, I don’t want you to feel bad about your own accomplishments—or lack thereof. Think of yourself as an essential supporting character in the epic blockbuster that is my life. Every hero needs a sidekick, even if that sidekick is more of an extra who doesn’t get any lines.

And let’s not forget about humility. Despite all my achievements, I remain the most humble person I know. In fact, I was recently awarded the “Most Humble Person of the Year”—an honor I humbly accepted while giving a three-hour acceptance speech that I wrote myself. It’s not bragging if you’re simply stating facts, right?

In conclusion, don’t hate me because I’m so much more successful than you. Instead, be inspired! Or at the very least, be content. Contentment is like the consolation prize of life—it’s not first place, but hey, you get a participation trophy. And remember, every time you feel that twinge of jealousy, just think about how boring the world would be if we were all equally magnificent.

So here’s to you, the wind beneath my wings, the applause to my standing ovation. Keep doing what you’re doing—it’s adorable. And who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll reach for the stars and at least get off the ground. Until then, you can always live vicariously through me. After all, sharing is caring, and I’m nothing if not generous with my success stories.

Stay average, my friends.